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I don't think I want to fall in love. It's so damn confusing. And this wasn't even love. Well, let's start from the beginning. Shall we?
Okay, it all started way back in the day when we put on a production of Grease. Like I've said before, it was great because we knew nothing about each other. Just me, Miranda and Brandon. (Well those are the three that actually mattered.) Then, Miranda and I became good friends. And since Brandon was Miranda's friend already, he became my friend too. Soon after I met them, it became clear that Brandon had a little school boy crush on me. My initial thought was that it didn't matter. He's a boy. I'm a girl. It's normal. After I found that out, I teased him about it a bit. I would randomly give him a "passionate" hug when I saw him to make him feel uncomfortable, which is what I do.
But a little before that, he got a hold of my number. We started talking every now and then. He started out as your "average texter." With your "lol's" and "ya's" and not adding a period at the end. I tend to not do all of that when I text, then I noticed that he started to as well. I also noticed that he was becoming more literate in texting. Adding some "quite's" and "rather's" in there. Along with some periods. I thought, "Cool. I helped his grammar." Little did I know that that was the first showing of his changing.
As he and I talked more and I learned more about him, I learned that he was suicidal before we knew each other. Later on, I learned from Miranda that I'm the reason he isn't anymore. She also told me that because of me, he also acted more mature and more like a gentleman. I started to worry about this because I was having such an effect on him. But I was also glad that he was improving from his old habits.
As Grease went on, he let me know about his feelings in a story that we wrote together about the characters we were playing. I was Rizzo and he was Sonny. It was one of those stories where you go back and forth and add on more to the story. And it was filled with Beatles references. Then, he started to get more...intimate?...about it. Talking about how much "Sonny" liked "Rizzo". I don't know exactly when it all came out, but it did. Eventually, I found out that he liked me A LOT. The afternoon of opening night, he even told me that he was nervous for the show because he couldn't help but be "distracted" by me when we're both on stage. It's good that we were such good friends, or else that would have been really weird for me to hear. Then the last night of the show, Miranda, Brandon and I were all sitting in the hallway of their school, completely high off the night. Apparently, it's called a "performance high". But basically, we had no control of our actions. So Miranda dared me to kiss him, and because I was so disillusioned, I did. But I had to leave immediately leave afterwards. So that night, he and I stayed up very late talking about it and other things, one of them being that he would do anything for me. He would take a bullet for me if it came to it. I honestly thought I was falling for him, but I wasn't.
The next day was the cast and crew party. Before we went, he wouldn't even look at me, but he did offer me a ride to the party. That's when it got really awkward. It wasn't a long drive, but it was terribly awkward because he refused to talk. When we got there, the kid who played the guitar for the show, Mason, was playing the guitar. So I watched him play for a while, then Mirand came by and showed me a text that she got that said, "Mason is really pissing me off." and another text that said, "He's stealing Ash!". This, of course, made me a little tiffed, but I went and sat next to him anyway. Then I got a text from Miranda that said that he wanted to put his arm around me, but he was too afraid. In order to take that out of his mind, I went to lay down on the couch, pretending that I was really tired. He sent me a text that asked if I wanted a ride home, but I didn't want to suffer the awkwardness, so I told him that Miranda was going to take me home. He was clearly upset, but that was the end of that.
Fast forward a while later, he, Miranda and I went to go see a melodrama with a few other people. He was trying to deal with everyone so he could sit next to me. He ended up sitting behind me anyway. On the way back home, Miranda forwarded me a text that he sent to her. It said this exactly, "She's just...well, look at her. She's beautiful. Think about her completely. She's amazing. I think...I think I might love her." This scared the shit out of me. And he spent the rest of the night deciding whether or not he should tell me.
Eventually, he did. And it was a night of tears for the both of us. I felt bad because I had to tell him that there was no way he could love me. We're both too young. And he felt bad because I didn't feel the same way he did. Things went back to normal. As normal as things go for us. He kept telling me that he cared about me a lot, but at least he didn't talk about how much he loved me. But he did tell me that he compared us to "When The Day Met The Night." "Her eyes saved his life in the middle of summer." "He was just hanging around, then he fell in love and he didn't know how but he couldn't get out." Onward, then he told me he loved me a second time. My reaction was the same, and so was his. That was the last time I heard it.
Jump to me, Miranda and Brandon sitting in Miranda's car next to the pond. She and I were having some problems with him. My main issues with him were that he tended to act as though his problems were more important than mine. I would always help him when he had a problem, but he wouldn't help me with mine. Then, I told him that he just needs to stop thinking of me the way he does. He had his heart set on spending the rest of our lives together. I told him that I'm only 16. I don't want a marriage proposal. He really took it to heart.
Not too long ago, Miranda told me that he's over me and he's found a new girl that, apparently, is very out of his league. I thought, "Score! I'm free!" But, at the same time, I was sad because he spent a year pursuing me, telling me how special I was and things like that. I've never heard anything like that, so the fact that I wouldn't be hearing it anymore depressed me. Then, I found out that he was TRYING to get over me. He even stopped texting me for a while, in hopes that it would make him stop. He even talked to Miranda about it, saying that sometimes, he's doing okay, but that there are times when he can't stop thinking about me. Then the last time we talked, he told me that he doesn't know what will happen when I'm gone. Even her mom and her aunt had to talk to him about it, saying that he just needs to stop. And I guess he was doing better for a while.
Then tonight, I went to their play practice to help out. Of course, Brandon didn't know I was going to be there. And that was terribly awkward. He couldn't even look at me. We were both there for about 5 hours, and we never spoke to each other once. We were so close, once upon a time. And apparently, I was distracting him. He was singing his songs horribly, even though he's done them perfectly before. When Miranda and Brandon were backstage, he told her that he thinks he's accepted the fact that he's over me. But he was still acting strangly. According to Miranda, she doesn't think he'll ever be over me.
This whole thing just kills me. He's a great guy and everything, but he's just so damn confusing. And now that he's "over me," even talking to him is weird. We've only spoken twice since his "epiphany", but it's so formal now. We used to be able to talk about absolutely anything, but now, we can't. I guess he doesn't know that even though he's "healing", we can still be friends. We used to hang out all the time, and just drive around while listening to The Beatles. We would just go to the movies sometimes. We even hung out in his basement once. Just the two of us.
I don't know. This is just too much and it's definitly something that I don't need to be dealing with right now.
Damn. This was long. Kudos for reading the whole thing if you did. Even if you didn't, it still helped to get it out.
Yours Truly,
Okay, it all started way back in the day when we put on a production of Grease. Like I've said before, it was great because we knew nothing about each other. Just me, Miranda and Brandon. (Well those are the three that actually mattered.) Then, Miranda and I became good friends. And since Brandon was Miranda's friend already, he became my friend too. Soon after I met them, it became clear that Brandon had a little school boy crush on me. My initial thought was that it didn't matter. He's a boy. I'm a girl. It's normal. After I found that out, I teased him about it a bit. I would randomly give him a "passionate" hug when I saw him to make him feel uncomfortable, which is what I do.
But a little before that, he got a hold of my number. We started talking every now and then. He started out as your "average texter." With your "lol's" and "ya's" and not adding a period at the end. I tend to not do all of that when I text, then I noticed that he started to as well. I also noticed that he was becoming more literate in texting. Adding some "quite's" and "rather's" in there. Along with some periods. I thought, "Cool. I helped his grammar." Little did I know that that was the first showing of his changing.
As he and I talked more and I learned more about him, I learned that he was suicidal before we knew each other. Later on, I learned from Miranda that I'm the reason he isn't anymore. She also told me that because of me, he also acted more mature and more like a gentleman. I started to worry about this because I was having such an effect on him. But I was also glad that he was improving from his old habits.
As Grease went on, he let me know about his feelings in a story that we wrote together about the characters we were playing. I was Rizzo and he was Sonny. It was one of those stories where you go back and forth and add on more to the story. And it was filled with Beatles references. Then, he started to get more...intimate?...about it. Talking about how much "Sonny" liked "Rizzo". I don't know exactly when it all came out, but it did. Eventually, I found out that he liked me A LOT. The afternoon of opening night, he even told me that he was nervous for the show because he couldn't help but be "distracted" by me when we're both on stage. It's good that we were such good friends, or else that would have been really weird for me to hear. Then the last night of the show, Miranda, Brandon and I were all sitting in the hallway of their school, completely high off the night. Apparently, it's called a "performance high". But basically, we had no control of our actions. So Miranda dared me to kiss him, and because I was so disillusioned, I did. But I had to leave immediately leave afterwards. So that night, he and I stayed up very late talking about it and other things, one of them being that he would do anything for me. He would take a bullet for me if it came to it. I honestly thought I was falling for him, but I wasn't.
The next day was the cast and crew party. Before we went, he wouldn't even look at me, but he did offer me a ride to the party. That's when it got really awkward. It wasn't a long drive, but it was terribly awkward because he refused to talk. When we got there, the kid who played the guitar for the show, Mason, was playing the guitar. So I watched him play for a while, then Mirand came by and showed me a text that she got that said, "Mason is really pissing me off." and another text that said, "He's stealing Ash!". This, of course, made me a little tiffed, but I went and sat next to him anyway. Then I got a text from Miranda that said that he wanted to put his arm around me, but he was too afraid. In order to take that out of his mind, I went to lay down on the couch, pretending that I was really tired. He sent me a text that asked if I wanted a ride home, but I didn't want to suffer the awkwardness, so I told him that Miranda was going to take me home. He was clearly upset, but that was the end of that.
Fast forward a while later, he, Miranda and I went to go see a melodrama with a few other people. He was trying to deal with everyone so he could sit next to me. He ended up sitting behind me anyway. On the way back home, Miranda forwarded me a text that he sent to her. It said this exactly, "She's just...well, look at her. She's beautiful. Think about her completely. She's amazing. I think...I think I might love her." This scared the shit out of me. And he spent the rest of the night deciding whether or not he should tell me.
Eventually, he did. And it was a night of tears for the both of us. I felt bad because I had to tell him that there was no way he could love me. We're both too young. And he felt bad because I didn't feel the same way he did. Things went back to normal. As normal as things go for us. He kept telling me that he cared about me a lot, but at least he didn't talk about how much he loved me. But he did tell me that he compared us to "When The Day Met The Night." "Her eyes saved his life in the middle of summer." "He was just hanging around, then he fell in love and he didn't know how but he couldn't get out." Onward, then he told me he loved me a second time. My reaction was the same, and so was his. That was the last time I heard it.
Jump to me, Miranda and Brandon sitting in Miranda's car next to the pond. She and I were having some problems with him. My main issues with him were that he tended to act as though his problems were more important than mine. I would always help him when he had a problem, but he wouldn't help me with mine. Then, I told him that he just needs to stop thinking of me the way he does. He had his heart set on spending the rest of our lives together. I told him that I'm only 16. I don't want a marriage proposal. He really took it to heart.
Not too long ago, Miranda told me that he's over me and he's found a new girl that, apparently, is very out of his league. I thought, "Score! I'm free!" But, at the same time, I was sad because he spent a year pursuing me, telling me how special I was and things like that. I've never heard anything like that, so the fact that I wouldn't be hearing it anymore depressed me. Then, I found out that he was TRYING to get over me. He even stopped texting me for a while, in hopes that it would make him stop. He even talked to Miranda about it, saying that sometimes, he's doing okay, but that there are times when he can't stop thinking about me. Then the last time we talked, he told me that he doesn't know what will happen when I'm gone. Even her mom and her aunt had to talk to him about it, saying that he just needs to stop. And I guess he was doing better for a while.
Then tonight, I went to their play practice to help out. Of course, Brandon didn't know I was going to be there. And that was terribly awkward. He couldn't even look at me. We were both there for about 5 hours, and we never spoke to each other once. We were so close, once upon a time. And apparently, I was distracting him. He was singing his songs horribly, even though he's done them perfectly before. When Miranda and Brandon were backstage, he told her that he thinks he's accepted the fact that he's over me. But he was still acting strangly. According to Miranda, she doesn't think he'll ever be over me.
This whole thing just kills me. He's a great guy and everything, but he's just so damn confusing. And now that he's "over me," even talking to him is weird. We've only spoken twice since his "epiphany", but it's so formal now. We used to be able to talk about absolutely anything, but now, we can't. I guess he doesn't know that even though he's "healing", we can still be friends. We used to hang out all the time, and just drive around while listening to The Beatles. We would just go to the movies sometimes. We even hung out in his basement once. Just the two of us.
I don't know. This is just too much and it's definitly something that I don't need to be dealing with right now.
Damn. This was long. Kudos for reading the whole thing if you did. Even if you didn't, it still helped to get it out.
Yours Truly,
confusedFall in love
excited
pensive
cranky
hungry
lazy